Blissful Deviant's Blog

From June 18th, 2008

So – I’m starting to stress that I don’t match up, that I am something of a failure… Ahh. How to express this?

I was 12 when I had my eyes opened to the world of being an owned slut. I was in an innocent chatroom – nothing to do with anything sexual – and a guy said, “any girls here want to be a slave?” and I was thinking, what the hell? Who would choose that? Not realising any of the “other” connotations that go with that word. So, curious, I began to speak with him… And he told me all about this world… And… Ahh. Slutty as this may be, even at 12-13, I was extremely turned on by the things he spoke of. He spoke of many things relating to BDSM, and the whole thought of being completely submissive to a man and being his cum hungry little slut definitely appealed to me.

So… I started to look around to find out anything and everything I could about this “scene”. Through that, I found other chatrooms that catered to that sort of interest and it felt like… It felt like I had found my home, so to speak. Somewhere that I felt I belonged, somewhere that spoke to my inner thoughts. I met a few men off there when I was still massively underage – silly me, I did not realise the “Lolita appeal” and just thought it was soooo lucky that they didn’t freak out over my age.

I had one man tie me up and pour water over my [white no-bra-underneath] shirt and stare at my breasts, my hands above my head and legs spread, all feeling very vulnerable and yet turned on by the effect I had on him, as if he were hypnotised by this young girl before him, so willing and eager to please him… And yet he held back.

There was another, when I was 15. He was married – something he failed to mention until we met and he showed up wearing a wedding ring. He was into pain. He enjoyed bending me over and spanking me, sitting me up on benches and fingering me as I dutifully spread my legs for him, still wearing my school uniform. He too held back.

I think, at this point, I hadn’t really figured out what it was that I liked. I knew I liked the subbie side, and the slutty side, but what about the smaller details? I would go along with a lot of things. For example, I am a complete sook and do not like pain at all – and yet, I would gain pleasure from the pain because I enjoyed the submissive side of it. Sort of, letting go of what I wanted to please him. And, of course, I liked the way he spoke to me “you, slut” *smack* “have been” *smack smack* “a very bad slut, haven’t you?” *smack smack* ‘Yes Sir’ *wet, soooo wet*

Okay where am I going with this? Lol. So. There was someone who spoke of fucking me and using me like a slut, sharing me with his friends and I think, that’s the stuff that turned me on the most. You know, I would have these fantasies like… Being given, almost, to one of his friends as a… Reward, to the friend, you know? Like being a willing slut would be the best gift ever. Being used and shared around… He would call me his slut, and I would squirm in my seat as I felt myself get wet. Ahh. Ha ha. Gets me wet thinking about it even now.

So… Hmm. Now I am at a point where I want this these things, and my age is no longer a [legal] barrier, and I fear that I am inadequate? That I’m a disappointment – that I haven’t turned out as someone had hoped I would. That these fantasies flying around in my head will not come to pass because… I am not good enough. And once again, the other person involved is holding back — do I see an 8 year pattern emerging?!?!

I think it’s the awkward part of me coming out. Like… I read these blogs and say…  Hmm. I think, “I wish that was me” and yet it seems like an almost impossible hope. I think one of the issues is that when I was younger, I had the whole lolita thing going on for me, and even when I was a bit older – at an age where sexual awareness and experience was more okay – I was still with men who preferred the little girl aspect. And so there are BASIC things which I feel completely inadequate and awkward in. And I think… It’s like I identify with the slut within, and don’t know how to actually bring her forward, act her out? Like there’s something holding me back. Fear that.. I’m not good enough, that I don’t know what I’m doing, that I will maybe be laughed at?  I have a habit of looking back, over analysing every little moment I’ve spent with someone and just cringeing… And I’m always amazed when anyone wants to be with me again. Argh.

Sometimes, I can put the act on. You know, it’s easy enough to do, fake it till you make it. I can’t do that with this person because he knows it’s fake. He knows that I’m insecure and awkward and that I withdraw. He knows that I feel uncomfortable and want to learn. I think it’s especially bad with this person because he was always up on such a high pedestal for me, and I always thought you know, I would never want to disappoint him. Maybe that’s why that’s his number one line he uses to manipulate me – “you know, you give me no reason to have confidence in you”… “I give you one small task, and you let me down” … “You have disappointed me, once again”

On the one had, I can’t think of anything more exciting than seeing him and having a deviant slutty weekend. I want to umm show him that I really am genuine and do mean what I say in that regard. And on the other hand, I am completely terrified… I’m sort of waiting for him to wash his hands and be done with me. I’m always sort of waiting for the day that he’ll say “you know what, I gave you soooo many opportunities and you fell through every time. I’m done!!”

I asked him if he would have met me when I was as young as I was when we started speaking. He said I wasn’t ready. Part of me thinks that’s sweet – it’s sort of like he was protecting me from myself. And part of me thinks I missed my chance. Like I’ve grown into this awkward self doubter who is of no use to anyone. Sometimes I want to go back to those days and have those slutty experiences younger. At least then I would know things. I would be more confident in certain areas. I wouldn’t feel like an inexperienced virgin who just happens to have had many cocks inside her cunt. It’s a bizarre feeling. I know it’s a contradiction – I see the oxymoronic aspect but… It’s how I feel.

And, you know what they say, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks

From June 17th, 2008

Finally – FINALLY! – after years of waiting, it seems things will happen. Here is the current plan: We will see an ex of mine, R, and X will fuck me senseless in front of him ha ha I think that’s right, yes? Amongst other things obviously. R shits me to no end. I can’t believe he’s such a loser he’d agree to this. I personally do not have an issue with it – it brings out that malicious little part of me that says, “hurt him, hurt him!!!” and, “show him what a good little slut you are – show him everything he could never get” – but I can’t believe he would honestly be excited about a situation that will so clearly be fun for X and I, and not so much for him. Perhaps he can’t believe that I really would do it… Well, think again loser, because you never knew me

Also, we will go to a club and ooh this is where the real fun begins. We’ll roll a dice (boring, he says only one – puhhhhllllleeeeeeeeeaseeee can we make it two?!) and that will be the number of cocks I take that night… Just between you and I, I think it would be fun to fuck 5 and maybe give… 3 others blowjobs? Lol *wet*

I think the club will be fun… At the moment my fears are… Hmm. Fear of rejection? That by some stroke of luck, there will not be a single person there who likes the look of me…? And that… Seeing X with another girl will fuck with my head. It’s all well and good for me to be with multple people in front of him but the reverse is quite different… I think the green-eyed monster will rear her ugly head… Possibly because I get so little time with him it hardly seems fair that another girl should be getting the pleasure when hello, I’m right there but we shall see. Other than those two little things… The whole idea excites me. It just sucks that it’s so far away!! 10 whole weeks

From June 16th, 2008

Obedience is such an interesting thing – it brings forth the question, is there such a thing as true obedience? To obey implies that you would not otherwise be doing what you are doing – but how can someone force you to do something you don’t want on at least some level?

And so, I start this blog… To discuss plans and thoughts and whatever else that comes over these next 10 weeks – the lead up, lets say, to an event of sorts…

Maybe because I was asked (told?) to – or maybe because… It’s something that I want, and just needed a push along the way?