Blissful Deviant's Blog

Benched

It’s no secret that I have always been a little different, or that I started doing “these things” at a young age. At the time, everything felt so fresh and new and incredible and just, I don’t know, everything had the ability to blow my mind. Everything was so different to anything else I’d done or knew of. And that was fun, but it also caused me a little turmoil… Now, looking at how far I’ve come and what a transformation there has been, it’s fascinating and amazing. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Although, there is one small thing – I think, to a certain extent, the craziness and taboo has become ‘the norm’ … Not in a bad way, more that it’s simply expected and accepted that our lives will not follow the typical path. Things which previously would have seemed so outrageous and naughty are now everyday, and I love that but sometimes I miss the full blown wonder and awe.

Lately though, all of that has been coming back. Everything feels fresh and new and different, like my eyes have been opened to a whole new world. It’s not a new world, it’s a new level, but it’s intense and makes me feel the same excitement and thrill I felt before. It’s not that we were in a mundane place, not at all, it’s just that no matter how you lead your life, you’re going to ‘get used to it’ at some point, you’re going to come to expect certain things. This new place we’ve gone to is just, wow, taking things to a place we’ve never been before.

I’m loving it!

There’s a noticeable shift. There’s an air of excitement, like we’re on the cusp of something incredible, like we’ve tapped into something we probably both thought we’d never get.

The first of many significant adventures begins next Friday night. I don’t even have words for it, it’s mind blowing that we are here. I can’t believe it’s going to be happening. Finally. Opening a door that cannot be shut, experiencing things that cannot be undone. Taking risks and allowing the free-fall, seeing where this journey will take us.

I feel refreshed, renewed, excited. I am experiencing everything as if for the first time, only this time round I feel happy, secure, confident in who I am and the things I crave. It’s all the fun of newness, without the agony or anxiety of figuring out if this is really, truly what I want or, more to the point, if I’m okay with pursuing my desires.

I am like a giddy teenager, I can’t wipe the smile off my face. I can’t stop squirming in my seat. I want it all now now now now NOW. I realised the other day, I’m with the person who truly makes me happier than anyone else in my life. Who makes me happier than I have ever been, who satisfies me more than anyone else, who brings out the best in me and values me.

I feel an incredible sense of freedom. It’s such a paradox – from the outside, people looking in think that I have anything but freedom, but those who truly know can see… It’s the ultimate freedom.

Last night, Daddy made a promise to me, that no matter how far we go or how broken I may get, he will always bring me back and fix me up. Regardless of what happens, we will be okay and he will fix me. He is as excited as I am, but I can see his awareness that this is all new territory.

He asked me, why am I not scared?

Because, I have you and that promise, and that’s all I need to feel safe