I enjoy going through my old blog – emergingdeviance.blogspot.com – I started that blog at Malik’s instruction when he first decided that it was time to take the next step. We’d known each other for years – hell, we’d been fucking for years – and there was of course, always elements of ownership and a certain level of intensity, but we were fairly casual. Fuck buddies, if anything. I like the old blog because it has a lot of slutty, dirty memories… Because it shows me really falling for him and opening up and trusting him… It shows me experiencing new things. And it also shows just how far I’ve come. Below is an [extremely long] entry, written within a week or two of us deciding to start this journey. I almost don’t recognise the slut who wrote it, even though it was really such a short time ago! Thank you, Daddy, for taking me on this journey, for teaching me so much, and helping me truly become the girl* I was always meant to be 
xox
Hmmm *bites lip* (Dated: June 18, 2008)
So – I’m starting to stress that I don’t match up, that I am something of a failure…
Ahhh how to express this.
I was 12 when I had my eyes opened to the world of being an owned slut. I was in an innocent chatroom – nothing to do with anything sexual – and a guy said “Any girls here want to be a slave?” and I was thinking, what the hell? Who would choose that? Not realising any of the “other” connotations that go with that word. So, curious, I began to speak with him… And he told me all about this world… And… Ahhh. Slutty as this may be, even at 12-13, I was extreeeeemely turned on by the things he spoke of. He spoke of hmm… Many things relating to bdsm and the whole thought of being completely submissive to a man and being his cum hungry little slut definitely appealed to me. So… I started to look around to find out anything and everything I could about this “scene”. Through that, I found other chatrooms that catered to that sort of interest and it felt like… Hmm. It felt like I had found my home, so to speak. Somewhere that I felt I belonged, somewhere that spoke to my inner thoughts.
I met a few men off there when I was still massively underage… Silly me, I did not realise the ‘Lolita appeal’ and just thought it was soooo lucky that they didn’t freak out over my age. I had one man tie me up and pour water over my [white no-bra-underneath] shirt and stare at my breasts, my hands above my head and legs spread, all feeling very vulnerable and yet… Turned on by the effect I had on him. As if he was hypnotised by this young girl before him, so willing and eager to please him… And yet, he held back.
There was another, when I was 15. He was married – I didn’t realise this until AFTER we met and he showed up wearing a wedding ring… He was into pain. He enjoyed bending me over and spanking me… Sitting me up on benches and fingering me as I dutifully spread my legs, still wearing my school uniform. He too held back…
I think… At this point, I hadn’t really figured out what it was I liked. I knew I liked the subbie side, and the slutty side… But what about the smaller details? I would go along with a lot of things. For example, I am a complete sook and do not like pain at all – and yet, I would gain pleasure from the pain, because I enjoyed the subbie side of it… Sort of, letting go of what I wanted to please the man… And, of course, I liked the way he spoke to me 
“you, slut” *smack* “Have been” *smack smack* “A bad slut, haven’t you?” *smack smack* ‘yes Sir’ *wet soooo wet*
Ok where am I going with this? Lol. So. There was someone who spoke of fucking me and using me like a slut, sharing me with his friends and I think, that’s the stuff that turned me on the most. You know, I would have these fantasies like… Being given, almost, to one of his friends – as a … Reward to the friend, you know? Like … Being a willing slut would be the best thing ever. Being used and shared around… Ahhh. Ha ha. Gets me wet thinking about it now.
So… Hmmmm. Now I am at a point where … I want these things, and my age is no longer a [legal] barrier and I fear that I am inadequate… That I’m a disappointment – that I haven’t turned out as someone had hoped I would. That … These fantasies flying around in my head, will not come to pass, because… I am not good enough. And once again, the other person involved is holding back — do I see an 8 year pattern emerging?!?!?!
I think it’s the awkward part of me coming out… Like… I read these blogs, and say… Hmm. I think “I wish that was me” and yet… Ahhh it seems like an almost impossible hope. I think um one of the issues is that when I was younger, I had the whole lolita thing going on for me, and even when I was a bit older – at an age where sexual awareness and experience and blah blah blah is more okay – I was still with men who preferred the little girl aspect. And so… There are BASIC things which I feel completely inadequate and awkward in… And I think… Hmm. It’s like… I identify with the slut within, and don’t know how to actually… Act it out? Like there’s something holding me back… Fear that … I’m not good enough, that I don’t know what I’m doing, that I will … Maybe be laughed at? Like I have a habit of looking back – over analysing – every little moment I’ve spent with someone, and just cringeing… And I’m always amazed when anyone wants to be with me again… And… Argh.
Sometimes, I can put the act on… You know… It’s easy enough to do. Fake it till u make it. I can’t do that with this person – because he knows that it’s fake. He knows that I’m insecure and awkward and that I withdraw. He knows that … I feel uncomfortable and want to learn. He knows that he won’t be the one to teach me (I think… Right?!?!) and… Ah. I think it’s especially bad with this person because he was always up on such a high pedestal for me, and I always thought you know, I would never want to disappoint him. Maybe that’s why that’s his number one line he uses to manipulate me – “you know, you give me no reason to have confidence in you” … “I give you one small task, and you let me down” … “you have disappointed me, once again” …
On the one hand, I can’t think of anything more exciting than seeing him and having a deviant slutty weekend… I want to umm show him that I really am genuine and do mean what I say in that regard. And on the other hand, I am completely terrified… I’m sort of waiting for him to wash his hands and be done with me. I’m always sort of waiting for the day that he’ll say “you know what, I gave you sooooo many opportunities and you fell thru every time. I’M DONE!!”
I asked him if he would have met me when I was as young as I was when we started speaking. He said I wasn’t ready. Part of me thinks that’s sweet – it’s sort of like … He was protecting me from myself. And part of me thinks… I missed my chance. Like, I’ve grown into this awkward self doubter who is of no use to anyone…. Sometimes I want to go back to those days, and have those slutty experiences younger… At least then I would know things.. Would be more confident in certain areas… Wouldn’t feel like an inexperienced virgin who just happens to have had many cocks inside her — it’s a bizarre feeling. I know it’s a contradiction – I see the oxymoronic aspect, but… It’s how I feel.
And, you know what they say, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
*girl – I decided ‘girl’ was more appropriate than ‘slut’ because he has brought out so much more than just a slut all aspects of my life have improved dramatically since we started this, not just my confidence or slutty side
